Oct 18, 2012

There's a LIGHT...at the end of the tunnel!

Where do I begin...

I apologize to those who like to read our blog and get updates for not posting sooner, there has been a lot going on.

I will do my best to wade through it all.

In July we lost our grandma, she had been sick, and was recovering, after having a scare and thinking we would lose her, she was getting better doing well, in a recovery home.

She went into the hospital for some treatment, and was doing well, when suddenly we got a call one night. "Come...grandma won't make it through the night. She got a blood clot in her lung." They had revived her once and were waiting for us all to get there and say our goodbyes.

We scrambled to gather the kids up, figure out where to take them, or if someone could come. The children could not see grandma in the condition she was in.
We took off to our friends house and dropped our girls off, and headed to the hospital. My stomach in knots the whole time.

We spent some time there, talking to grandma, holding her hand etc. They said she could hear us, but she was not herself, she could not respond, she was on machines keeping her alive.
Once we were all there we prayed with her, and they turned off the machines. It was one of the hardest things to witness/go through.

When we picked up our girls, everything felt surreal, when we left grandma was alive..an hour or so later...she's gone...

I miss her every day!

Over the next few weeks we waited for news about our sweet Jaxon, we found out that he had passed away. Another devastating blow. Joey wasn't home when I got the call so I called my sweet friend Jonana, and cried my eyes out. Joey had gone to a debate with some other preachers and I didn't want to call him with that news over the phone, or in the middle of something. I got the girls ready for VBS, and we went with my Sister in law Dayna. I told her about Jaxon, and we hugged and cried. Her hug at that time was so amazing! Our loss was also hers. We were both hurting.

I was a bit of a mess, so I spent a lot of time in the bathroom crying during VBS that night. When Joey came home late that night, I thought I had cried all my tears...I told him that I had to tell him something..

We laid there in the darkness, and he knew. He said, "Jaxon passed away..." I could barely answer with "yes" I held him...I will never forget watching my husband, as a single tear rolled down his cheek. "My little buddy..."

We cried, we prayed, we knew that we wanted to continue our adoption, but it was so incredibly hard to actually do. I wanted to just dig a hole, and go sit in it. I went through the motions of each day, all the while praying that God would give guidance and clarity. I knew we would continue, I just didn't know how.

Joey and I had many discussions, and we eventually agreed where the Lord was leading us. We would continue, we will adopt from the same region, and we will move forward as we were, but no longer for Jaxon...for a little brother.

Words cannot express the anguish, you go through at a time like that, and having to make decisions even when you know they are for the best doesn't make it any easier. We knew and had peace about how to proceed. But oh it is SO hard to lose a child and move forward. There is guilt, there is sorrow, there is fear...

I struggled with grief for a long time, and still "miss" my sweet boy.

But oh, how can we not move forward, knowing the fate of these sweet children, we pressed on in Jaxon's honor.

Fast forward to three weeks later. I am woken up in the middle of the night, apparently my brother in law is downstairs. In my half asleep state I worry if he's ok, are his kids ok, my sister in law...

It sounds like someone's crying, I hear sniffling, I'm wondering what's going on, is everyone ok?

Joey comes into the room and switches the light on, I make some comment about it being so bright, and is Donny ok?

Another moment, etched forever in my memory...the look on my husband's face. He sat down on the bed... "your dad killed himself last night..."



"I'm sorry babe..."

"NO...he wouldn't do that...no, no, no"

In my mind I could NOT process the words, I was waiting for the "he's in the hospital, he's doing ok..."

it never came...

How can this be...this has to be a joke, how can this be a joke, no one would joke about this...it must be true... NO! NO! NO!!!

I had Joey call my mum...I had to know...this can't be true..

She told us everything...

I cannot share all the details here. But those words, what happened, I will never forget.

I have spent many days, nights...countless hours going over everything in my mind.

There is SO much surrounding my father's death, that I cannot share here. But I share to say this. Please, love your family. Enjoy them! If you think something is wrong, speak to them. This could happen to ANYONE!

You are not above this. Ask anybody, and they would say the same, "he would never do that" but he did.

I have never felt grief so deep, pain so real, fear so present. I thought I could not go on.

Our whole world just got turned upside down, in a matter of a month or so. THREE significant losses, each on their own tragic, and painful...together, unbearable!

In a whirlwind of travelling back there helping my mum, I kept on, I cried by myself, I did my best to help those around me, and I did what I was "supposed to do" but inside...I was crumbling.

I only shared with a few close friends, and eventually my husband my innermost thoughts.
I wanted to give up. Don't get me wrong, I am truly blessed, and I didn't want to give up in a fatal way. I just didn't know how to go on. I wanted to pack up my current family, forget adopting, and just go to some distant island and be together. How do you recover from such severe blows. How do you go on...I was crippled by fear. What would happen next? Was this the worst of it, or just the beginning. Everyone that has adopted knows we all go through intense trials during the process, but seriously, all this...could we really move forward knowing we may face MORE hardship, more trial.


It is not by my strength that I am where I am today, but Christ alone. I am here to tell you...the past two years, have dealt several blows to our family. Things that you can not imagine getting to the other side of. But GOD! That is all I can say...But for the Grace of God...we must go on.

HE has carried me, HE has comforted me, HE is my strength.

If you don't know him...you should.

Please pray for my mum. Pray for our family as we move forward.
We WILL continue...we WILL move forward! And we will honor those who are now gone, and do them proud.

Last week, a ray of hope...we were able to send our dossier. In non-adoption terms that means the bulk of our paperwork that we have worked on for the last 10 months, was finally finished, no more delays, no more papers needing to be added, no more running around...we mailed it, and it has arrived at our agency. PRAISE THE LORD! We have a coupe of fixes, and we will be good to go. We wait for travel dates.

Finally...some good news. We are truly blessed. God has not carried us in vain, we will keep on, we have been given new hope, we have been given new strength and much grace to carry on...

Pray for us, as we continue, as we share our story, as we raise the rest of the funds needed to travel. Thank you to those who have helped us get this far. I can't wait to see the gold...at the end of this rainbow!

I miss my grandma, I miss my sweet Jaxon, and I miss my dad...more than anyone can know. Though it is too late for Jaxon, I am so thankful for the time spent with Grandma Alta, for the sweet memories of my dad, for all the years we had with them. The last time I spoke with my dad, was on the phone, he prayed with me, after hearing our news about Jaxon. We have so much love to give our new son...we are coming for you sweet boy...soon...

Keep Looking Up!