We have surely been blessed through it all.
November 2006
We were going away for Joey's birthday. I had planned a special trip to Lake Tahoe, where we would stay in a hotel with a hot tub! How Exciting!! We had a nice drive up there, and there was some beautiful snow all around at that time. We had a lovely trip, walking throughout the city, enjoying each others company, and relaxing in the hot tub (can you tell i love hot tubs, so relaxing!) So this story begins one night in...where? The hot tub of course. :) We were relaxing in the hot tub, bubbling jets and all, with the swivel tv turned on watching, wait for it...basketball! How Romantic, right!?
Suddenly Joey came over and whispered in my ear. It was one of those, "all warm and fuzzy" moments. He said something to the effect of, not trying to, but not trying not to have a baby. As much of a shock as this was to me, to hear this from my new husband of about 4 months, it melted me. I've always wanted children, always helped look after other people's children, so it was an amazing thought. A child of our own...WOW.
Time went on and at some point, I don't remember the exact date, I began to feel a little nauseas when I woke up. I had that sneaking thought "what if..." No. I told myself, it couldn't be. It's too soon to feel sick. Everything I had read said that. I must be imagining it, cos i want to be pregnant. Next day, I felt nauseas again, I was even more suspicious. So I told myself that i would wait til about a week after I was due for a period to even buy a test. Everything said to wait til then, except of course all the test boxes, SHOUTING at me FOUR days early, FIVE days early...they were practically begging me to buy them. But I refrained, and the nausea continued. Joey and i had agreed, we wouldn't waste money buying a bunch of tests only to take them to early and waste money, if we don't buy them yet, we can't waste them. about a week or so passed, and i was getting anxious to take a test. I thought for sure I must be pregnant, why else would ai keep feeling nauseas day after day. I tried not to think about it. Then one day, (thankfully it was my day off from nannying) i started bleeding, it was a "normal amount" so although i felt kind of down about it I figured, I just musn't have been pregnant. Maybe it was true what people said about thinking up symptoms in your mind that make you think you are.
And then it happend...I was buckled over on the floor, my abdomen cramping like i had never felt before. I cried out in agony. Noone was home, I didn't care if I made noise. I remember thinking, "why does it hurt so bad?" The pains continued and the bleeding got really heavy, it was kind of scary. I called Joey and let him know, but we both thought it must just be a bad period. This continued for the whole day. I spent hours writhing around in bed moaning in agony, crying out. All I could think was that my body was taunting me, "you're not pregnant, HAHA...you're not pregnant." And I cried some more. It was heart-wrenching. When Joey came home we talked about it. We didn't know if I had been pregnant, ...we talked about all kinds of things it could be. I remember passing clots and thinking "was the baby in there?" Oh my heart ached, for I felt I had lost a child, but I also felt ridiculous and silly, for grieving, when I didn't even know if I was pregnant. Who grieves over a bad period? I struggled with it for another week or so. I explained it to my pastor's wife, who said it sounded as though I very well could have miscarried, and suggested taking a test, for the possibility that there could still be some pregnancy hormone there that may show up, and I could at least know, and not feel so stupid. I took a test the next night. It was negative. I was so confused thinking, "see, you weren't pregnant, get over it." What I didn't know then is that the tests only pick up the hormone when it reaches a certain level. It could have been too low by that point to show up. I went to the Dr. and after explaining to her, she said that she thought that's what happend, that it was most likely a miscarriage. That it was too late to do anything now. I had bled pretty bad for about a week, the longest ever. I just couldn't believe it. I felt like i could grieve since the dr pretty much confirmed my suspicions, but I also still felt confused, knowing I would never really know.
As time passed by I found out in talking to friends, that it was not uncommon to have those things happen during a miscarriage, and that women often suffer a miscarriage with their first. Also that a lot of miscarriages go by unknown because they happen that early like mine, and can be passed off as a period. (like I thought at first) My heart aches for those who have lost Babies. Wether it be at 5 weeks pregnant, 5 months pregnant, at birth...beyond. Oh how hard it is to lose a child, at any time. I have only a taste of the pain. I pray often for those I know of who have suffered these losses. There are so many that I feel have had a much harder road than me. I bring them before God's throne, and pray for their comfort and peace. Oh how much we need God's peace in times like these.
I Love this verse:
Philippians 4:7, And the peace of God. which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Isn't it awesome that this verse is sandwiched between a couple of verses about rejoicing in the Lord, verses talking about bringing everything before the Lord in thanksgiving,and making your requests known unto Him. After it comes verses about what we are to think on...that when we have learned and received those things, we will have the Peace of God. WOW...We are called to rejoice in the Lord. To think on these things, whatsoever things are true, honest, pure, lovely, of good report, think on things that are of virtue, think on praises...Rejoice in the Lord. It amazes me. God is SO good. When we praise Him, when we rejoice, when we give Him thanks not only in the good times and bad, but especially when things seem bad, in return He gives us peace. It's beautiful. His ways are perfect.
I'll end with that passage of verses, because it's just so awesome! When hard times come, LOOK UP! Peace and comfort comes from God, thereis no other way. Look Up! "And when these things come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh" (Luke 21:28)
Philippians 4: 4-9
Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; bt in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever thins are of good report; if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
So, that is how we gained and lost our precious first child. God used that to help us learn, and to bring Him the glory. We are thankful for all He has given us.
Keep Looking Up!
